Practice, Dammit.

This past weekend, KP and I had the pleasure of attending a beautiful wedding on Lake Travis. The bride and groom looked great, the ceremony included a Italian soloist, and the view was spectacular. We sat with a group of my former co-workers, had nice conversation, a few drinks, and good food. Then came the part KP and I have learned to dread, the toasts. The best man lightly dogged on the groom, but had very nice things to say to the new couple; his speech lasted about 3 minutes. That's what I call perfection. The maid-of-honor, on the other hand, did not share the best man's poise and grace. She stood on the side lines, while one of the bride's best friends got up to speak. After making fun of the the maid's social anxiety, the friend went on to make quite an uncomfortable speech. It included details of the bride and groom's meeting on the Internet, how the groom wasn't actually interested in the bride for quite a while, information about previous relationships, and phrases including black ice heart.

To be fair, the bride is a very funny, snarky (as she would say) person. While it was actually fitting, it was more appropriate for a bachelorette party than the wedding reception.

This toast went on for at least 10 minutes. KP nervously readjusted his tie, cuffs, and sleeves, the entire time. I sat with my napkin over my mouth. I will admit that we are people who change the channel on the television when someone does something embarrassing, so we are not the best gauge. Others seemed less uncomfortable, but not comfortable, per se.

Anyway, I cam straight home, called Kurtis to make sure I did not offend her when I gave her toast, thought about the only other toasts I have given, and then about this post.

Here are my tips for people who must give toasts at weddings:

• Practice in front of an audience and take constructive criticism
• Do not mention past relationships or break-ups/arguments
• Mention both the bride and the groom, even if you only know one well
• It's about them! Make the toast about them too.
• Keep it short
• Practice again

That's it.