Wednesdays: Part 999

Only Kidding. In the past hour and a half, I wrote a draft, accidentally published it, deleted it, figured out it was floating on the Web, freaked out, wrote another post, researched how to remove it from the Web, consulted Older Sis and a blog savvy friend, cried, called KP, made a bowl of ice cream, and decided to write this damn post.

We lost a pregnancy last week.

I started to write about it earlier, but chickened out, and then the above ensued. When I called KP to say that today was the first day that I felt even the least bit okay until my major blogger dilemma, he had the most interesting response. He said, "this is our life, Amy. This is what we are going through. Your blog is about our life and we have nothing to be ashamed of. Write about it."

Is that what I have been? Ashamed? Embarrassed? Why? I did nothing wrong. And I am not a secretive person. Yes, this is personal, but shit, most of everything on here is. Plus, writing is my therapy. It always has been. So, why not write about it? I don't have this blog to sugar-coat my world.

Our Wednesdays have been less than thrilling for weeks. We did have a few good weeks with our news, but then were notified that things might not be going perfectly. Then, Wednesday after Wednesday, we had ultrasounds, that ended last Wednesday, when there was nothing left to see. Friday, I had a D&C. Then I spent several days on narcotics, waking up on Monday to try to figure out where to go from here.

I am sure you are reading this thinking, damn. That is a lot. I agree. But, as Mom says, we find humor in tragedy, some of which I will share in future posts. I am feeling okay today.

I sure wish that I would have been able to sneak my first kiddo in before I turn 30, but from a kid's perspective, it's much easier to figure out how old your parent is if you add your age to 30 than to 29, really.

So, now you know. I can calm my fears of who read my earlier post by posting to the world. I am not ashamed. I am sad, tired, and trying to heal. But I am not ashamed or embarrassed.

Good night Web. Damn, sneaky, crawling Web.